I think I have a slightly out of the ordinary experience (although I imagine some will relate). I was born in 2000 so although my early childhood didn’t have a lot of technology, my teens were heavily influenced by social media. My parents made me a Facebook when I was young as I had a parent that traveled for work. I’ve kept this account into adulthood. Over the years there are lots of posts and pictures about my experience as a child and teen and honestly it’s very embarrassing. Then add to this that I changed my name at 17 and have decided to use different pronouns and we’ve got a sticky situation. There’s so much out there about my deadname and a very established she/her identity. Anyone that I want to add to my life online can easily access this information and honestly it’s a part of my life I wish didn’t exist. I think keeping your child away from social media is a great decision based on my experience but it doesn’t really matter what I or anyone else thinks anyway. It’s about you and your family and your values.
I’ve been pondering this topic too lately. I think of Facebook friends that I’ve had on there since high school or early university. I should probably delete them because I don’t really consider us close or talk to them, but alas, they are still on there.
I may not have spoken to these people in over a decade, but I know their kid’s favourite colour, what grade they’re in, what school they go to, and graphic details of their latest illnesses. I feel like I shouldn’t know that as im not close enough to the person, but there it is, presented to me.
Also side note, I’m glad I’m old enough that my parents wouldn’t have posted all of my baby pictures and shared a bunch of stuff about me on the internet. I got annoyed enough when my mom told my grandparents on the phone about every little thing that happened to me, I’d hate to have it broadcasted on Facebook.
This came at the perfect time! My husband and I are expecting a baby in the next couple weeks and have had many conversations throughout my pregnancy on how we wanted to handle social media. He doesn’t use any so it started with my social media use specifically and the more we talked, the more we realized we were not going to be comfortable posting about baby online. Not looking forward to the conversations with our parents (my MIL posts WAY too much online, about grandkids and anything else), but as parents, we’ve talked enough about this to know that’s the decision we’ve made and hope to not get too much pushback.
I too feel conflicted about sharing baby on social media, but totally agree with all your reasons not to. I enjoy 'mum' content but never feel entitled to a name or a face, we all have to make the right choices for our children. I share my little one on a private Instagram with an extremely small following, I like the platform and use it as like a mummy blog. But I still sometimes wonder if I shouldn't.
I love these conversations around consent and online presence. I was born in 1997 so social media came around my late childhood, mostly for my parents. And they did have the conversation when my little sister was born (2004) and they decided mostly not to show her. Which I respect, I know for a fact that this conversation fluctuated from time to time, since my brother(2000) and me were already "expose" but I like that even then it was a conversation to have. And more now that comes from almost birth. (Sorry if it strange written english is not my first lenguage)
I myself am not a mum, but an aunt to two absolutely adorable nephews (7 & almost 3 y.o.) and my sister handles social media the same as you when it comes to their faces and luckily all our family members and friends respect that decision. The only place where we are allowed to show their faces is "WhatsApp" (but that's literally only for our family and friends to see). I would definitely act the same way in regards to my children.
It also never bothered me that we won't see Rowan's face. I think the two of you made the right decision and no-one should ever make you feel like you need to explain yourself for protecting his identity, safety and autonomy.
Plus we DO get to hear his adorable voice from time to time and that is more than enough for me. :)
I have been inspired during my pregnance by Melanie Murphy, on her decision to not share the name of her children and have decided to do the same so that he cannot be found by a Google search. I think that was brillant and makes me allow myself to sometimes share his face on my private stories on Instagram !
What made you decide to share Rowan's first name if you care to share ? ♥️
It was just something I didn't mind being out there and then also on a practical level of vlogging and talking about him. I know Mel has accidentally said her kids' names in videos before and had to bleep/edit it out and obviously I respect her decision to not share their names I just can't be bothered with that extra hassle and constantly having to censor myself when talking about him! 😅
Hi, Hannah. I'm a parent as well. I really do admire the effort of giving autonomy and safety for their children so kudos to you and your partner!
But this is how I operate personally. I do post my child's face and activities. My reason may sound people-pleasing but hear me out. Ultimately, my reason to post my child's activities and face is because people from afar have shared their gifts with our child. In a way, we want to keep updating them about the growth of the child their supporting. I know I can just DM our family all her pictures and such. But to be honest, I'm just not in a place where I can just message my parents and tell them, 'hey, this is your grandchild and this is what she's been up to lately'. So yeah, my work around is just post pics of her and then if my parents message me questions for more detailed updates, then I would have that conversation with them.
But I'm really all up for giving my child autonomy and safety and maybe someday, I can just stop posting about her. And if someday our child asks us to take down any posts of ours about her, we'll be more than willing to do so. But yeah, in the meantime, this is the status quo.
I think if it's on your private social media and you're giving private updates to a bunch of people you know then that's fine and a really great way of like you said avoiding having to send separate messages to family!
I don't have social media and am not an influencer- so I'm not operating from the same place, just to get that out of the way 😄 but to me, it is a bit simplistic to view a potential violation of privacy as only "valid" if the person's face is visible, or full name included. The reality is, any baby in Rowan's position will be more visible and more easily googlable that your average private parents' kid. Even if I was posting no face photos of my daughter, I think I'd be most concerned with kids using photos of her breastfeeding or some other detail that is readily available to mock her. It's innocuous to adults, but definitely something that a 12 year old would think easily weaponized. But to reiterate- I am not in your position and therefore i'm not judging you at all! I think it's cool you consider these things and have the conversations needed with your partner, and no doubt you have your child's best interest at heart.
Yeah there are lots of different ways to think about it and try and predict future impacts but it's impossible to think of every single possible outcome. To be completely honest your example about breastfeeding pics is one I hadn't even though of as in my head that's more to do with me (at least in the way I speak about it publicly) and it's something I want to promote and normalise more. I would also hope that I would raise a kid who would understand there's nothing to mock when it comes to breastfeeding and so they would be resilient to bullying of that sort but who knows! Tweens/teens are a mystery to me! I do think if my older child asked me to remove any pictures or videos in the future I would.
I look at it from the perspective of having been young on the internet at a time when people didn't really do real names. I came up through fandom, where people relied on pseuds because the legal status of fanfic was disputed, and writing queer sexually explicit fic under a recognisable name was - still is - frowned on by the average employer. It was a long time before I posted a photo of myself on the internet where people could see it.
I feel lucky I came up through that culture, because it meant that twenty years later I still had firewalls between my the realname accounts I used for family and work stuff and the pseud accounts I used in fandom.
So when I left a bad relationship and needed really good digital and IRL privacy, I already had an abundance of caution and learned habits of pausing and thinking about the correct account and audience for each post, and pausing before posting, say, stuff under my realname accounts that would identify where I was and what I was wearing at that moment.
Online privacy for young, highly visible, marginalised and/or abused people is worth its weight in gold. And I think in the long term, that's what you're really giving your child by not showing his face online just because it's "the norm" - you're giving him a culture of breathing space, of pausing and asking, "Does this need to be public property? Do I want to give this away?" when he eventually engages with the internet in his own right.
I'm a parent to 2 little boys and I shared their face online for the first year of their lives as they changed so much I felt they aren't recognisable now they are a little older and will continue to change. Both my accounts on social media (Facebook and Instagram) are private due to being a teacher anyway but I read so much about horrible things linked to kids pictures online thati can't share pictures of them anymore with much of them showing in them. It is a really interesting topic that people definitely need to think and discuss more.
I share some pictures of my daughter on my private Facebook and more often on a private Insta that I made just for her pics that only has our family and some close friends. On my public social media I don't share anything with her face and name! I hope she'll be ok with it when she grows up (she's 4 atm and loves taking pictures) but if she's not it should be easy enough to delete/lock the account. I also try to not share anything she might find embarrassing. I know people who have just posted fully naked pictures of their kids on public settings 🫣🫣
I considered not posting any pictures at all, but any friends I had who tried this previously gave up because their friends and family would just post stuff eventually. I also feel like it's quite important to a lot of friends and family to see how she's getting on (especially when we were in lockdown) and it's the easiest way to share that.
Hannah I’m curious how you had that conversation with your family. You know that aunt who just doesn’t get it? How did you explain and enforce the boundary when she has a phone in her pocket and could snap a pic at any time?
Do you share any photos with faces privately with family? And they know the photo is only for them, not to post anywhere?
Family are allowed to take photos of Ro, just not share them anywhere online. I love seeing photos of him that other people have taken when I wasn't there! We share pics of him also in private messages and group chats with family and the boundary we set was that if they share any photos of him online or to any of their friends without our permission then we would stop sending them photo updates of him.
I don’t have kids or plan to have kids, but makes me so uncomfortable seeing babies/kids online. You hear absolutely horror stories and seeing influencers/youtubers capitalize on sharing their babies life online is too much for me. I agree that everyone should be free to share what they want but I think the social media platforms (YouTube, instagram, etc) should block or have better systems in place to avoid misuse of children's digital presence
Honestly, I would've unsubscribed/unfollowed you if you weren't respecting Rowan's privacy, Hannah. I have done that with a few other youtubers post realising just how terrifying it is for a kid to have every single breathing moment of theirs being posted online. Family vloggers really need to have a conversation with themselves and their kids regarding just how harmful it is to have a camera shoved into their kids faces all the time.
For whatever it's worth, I 1000% respect your decision and even support it. You're making an example of how easy it is to continue posting normal life content, and just plaster an emoji over a child's face- it's that easy to protect them.
One question I had for you though - have you had instances where people have recognised you and have come up to you while you were with rowan? How did you deal with it? Were there any ppl that invaded boundaries?
I’m really private online with what I post, but as of the last 3 years, I’ve dropped off social media. My daughter is now 4 and the world is a really scary place. I just rather not share anything online anymore.
I think I have a slightly out of the ordinary experience (although I imagine some will relate). I was born in 2000 so although my early childhood didn’t have a lot of technology, my teens were heavily influenced by social media. My parents made me a Facebook when I was young as I had a parent that traveled for work. I’ve kept this account into adulthood. Over the years there are lots of posts and pictures about my experience as a child and teen and honestly it’s very embarrassing. Then add to this that I changed my name at 17 and have decided to use different pronouns and we’ve got a sticky situation. There’s so much out there about my deadname and a very established she/her identity. Anyone that I want to add to my life online can easily access this information and honestly it’s a part of my life I wish didn’t exist. I think keeping your child away from social media is a great decision based on my experience but it doesn’t really matter what I or anyone else thinks anyway. It’s about you and your family and your values.
That must be so difficult and just shows how difficult it is to remove stuff from online once it's there 💛
I’ve been pondering this topic too lately. I think of Facebook friends that I’ve had on there since high school or early university. I should probably delete them because I don’t really consider us close or talk to them, but alas, they are still on there.
I may not have spoken to these people in over a decade, but I know their kid’s favourite colour, what grade they’re in, what school they go to, and graphic details of their latest illnesses. I feel like I shouldn’t know that as im not close enough to the person, but there it is, presented to me.
Also side note, I’m glad I’m old enough that my parents wouldn’t have posted all of my baby pictures and shared a bunch of stuff about me on the internet. I got annoyed enough when my mom told my grandparents on the phone about every little thing that happened to me, I’d hate to have it broadcasted on Facebook.
This came at the perfect time! My husband and I are expecting a baby in the next couple weeks and have had many conversations throughout my pregnancy on how we wanted to handle social media. He doesn’t use any so it started with my social media use specifically and the more we talked, the more we realized we were not going to be comfortable posting about baby online. Not looking forward to the conversations with our parents (my MIL posts WAY too much online, about grandkids and anything else), but as parents, we’ve talked enough about this to know that’s the decision we’ve made and hope to not get too much pushback.
I too feel conflicted about sharing baby on social media, but totally agree with all your reasons not to. I enjoy 'mum' content but never feel entitled to a name or a face, we all have to make the right choices for our children. I share my little one on a private Instagram with an extremely small following, I like the platform and use it as like a mummy blog. But I still sometimes wonder if I shouldn't.
I love these conversations around consent and online presence. I was born in 1997 so social media came around my late childhood, mostly for my parents. And they did have the conversation when my little sister was born (2004) and they decided mostly not to show her. Which I respect, I know for a fact that this conversation fluctuated from time to time, since my brother(2000) and me were already "expose" but I like that even then it was a conversation to have. And more now that comes from almost birth. (Sorry if it strange written english is not my first lenguage)
I myself am not a mum, but an aunt to two absolutely adorable nephews (7 & almost 3 y.o.) and my sister handles social media the same as you when it comes to their faces and luckily all our family members and friends respect that decision. The only place where we are allowed to show their faces is "WhatsApp" (but that's literally only for our family and friends to see). I would definitely act the same way in regards to my children.
It also never bothered me that we won't see Rowan's face. I think the two of you made the right decision and no-one should ever make you feel like you need to explain yourself for protecting his identity, safety and autonomy.
Plus we DO get to hear his adorable voice from time to time and that is more than enough for me. :)
his voice is so adorable
I have been inspired during my pregnance by Melanie Murphy, on her decision to not share the name of her children and have decided to do the same so that he cannot be found by a Google search. I think that was brillant and makes me allow myself to sometimes share his face on my private stories on Instagram !
What made you decide to share Rowan's first name if you care to share ? ♥️
It was just something I didn't mind being out there and then also on a practical level of vlogging and talking about him. I know Mel has accidentally said her kids' names in videos before and had to bleep/edit it out and obviously I respect her decision to not share their names I just can't be bothered with that extra hassle and constantly having to censor myself when talking about him! 😅
Haha I get it, I don't have that issue not being an influencer and all 😂
Hi, Hannah. I'm a parent as well. I really do admire the effort of giving autonomy and safety for their children so kudos to you and your partner!
But this is how I operate personally. I do post my child's face and activities. My reason may sound people-pleasing but hear me out. Ultimately, my reason to post my child's activities and face is because people from afar have shared their gifts with our child. In a way, we want to keep updating them about the growth of the child their supporting. I know I can just DM our family all her pictures and such. But to be honest, I'm just not in a place where I can just message my parents and tell them, 'hey, this is your grandchild and this is what she's been up to lately'. So yeah, my work around is just post pics of her and then if my parents message me questions for more detailed updates, then I would have that conversation with them.
But I'm really all up for giving my child autonomy and safety and maybe someday, I can just stop posting about her. And if someday our child asks us to take down any posts of ours about her, we'll be more than willing to do so. But yeah, in the meantime, this is the status quo.
I think if it's on your private social media and you're giving private updates to a bunch of people you know then that's fine and a really great way of like you said avoiding having to send separate messages to family!
I don't have social media and am not an influencer- so I'm not operating from the same place, just to get that out of the way 😄 but to me, it is a bit simplistic to view a potential violation of privacy as only "valid" if the person's face is visible, or full name included. The reality is, any baby in Rowan's position will be more visible and more easily googlable that your average private parents' kid. Even if I was posting no face photos of my daughter, I think I'd be most concerned with kids using photos of her breastfeeding or some other detail that is readily available to mock her. It's innocuous to adults, but definitely something that a 12 year old would think easily weaponized. But to reiterate- I am not in your position and therefore i'm not judging you at all! I think it's cool you consider these things and have the conversations needed with your partner, and no doubt you have your child's best interest at heart.
Yeah there are lots of different ways to think about it and try and predict future impacts but it's impossible to think of every single possible outcome. To be completely honest your example about breastfeeding pics is one I hadn't even though of as in my head that's more to do with me (at least in the way I speak about it publicly) and it's something I want to promote and normalise more. I would also hope that I would raise a kid who would understand there's nothing to mock when it comes to breastfeeding and so they would be resilient to bullying of that sort but who knows! Tweens/teens are a mystery to me! I do think if my older child asked me to remove any pictures or videos in the future I would.
I look at it from the perspective of having been young on the internet at a time when people didn't really do real names. I came up through fandom, where people relied on pseuds because the legal status of fanfic was disputed, and writing queer sexually explicit fic under a recognisable name was - still is - frowned on by the average employer. It was a long time before I posted a photo of myself on the internet where people could see it.
I feel lucky I came up through that culture, because it meant that twenty years later I still had firewalls between my the realname accounts I used for family and work stuff and the pseud accounts I used in fandom.
So when I left a bad relationship and needed really good digital and IRL privacy, I already had an abundance of caution and learned habits of pausing and thinking about the correct account and audience for each post, and pausing before posting, say, stuff under my realname accounts that would identify where I was and what I was wearing at that moment.
Online privacy for young, highly visible, marginalised and/or abused people is worth its weight in gold. And I think in the long term, that's what you're really giving your child by not showing his face online just because it's "the norm" - you're giving him a culture of breathing space, of pausing and asking, "Does this need to be public property? Do I want to give this away?" when he eventually engages with the internet in his own right.
I'm a parent to 2 little boys and I shared their face online for the first year of their lives as they changed so much I felt they aren't recognisable now they are a little older and will continue to change. Both my accounts on social media (Facebook and Instagram) are private due to being a teacher anyway but I read so much about horrible things linked to kids pictures online thati can't share pictures of them anymore with much of them showing in them. It is a really interesting topic that people definitely need to think and discuss more.
I share some pictures of my daughter on my private Facebook and more often on a private Insta that I made just for her pics that only has our family and some close friends. On my public social media I don't share anything with her face and name! I hope she'll be ok with it when she grows up (she's 4 atm and loves taking pictures) but if she's not it should be easy enough to delete/lock the account. I also try to not share anything she might find embarrassing. I know people who have just posted fully naked pictures of their kids on public settings 🫣🫣
I considered not posting any pictures at all, but any friends I had who tried this previously gave up because their friends and family would just post stuff eventually. I also feel like it's quite important to a lot of friends and family to see how she's getting on (especially when we were in lockdown) and it's the easiest way to share that.
Hannah I’m curious how you had that conversation with your family. You know that aunt who just doesn’t get it? How did you explain and enforce the boundary when she has a phone in her pocket and could snap a pic at any time?
Do you share any photos with faces privately with family? And they know the photo is only for them, not to post anywhere?
Family are allowed to take photos of Ro, just not share them anywhere online. I love seeing photos of him that other people have taken when I wasn't there! We share pics of him also in private messages and group chats with family and the boundary we set was that if they share any photos of him online or to any of their friends without our permission then we would stop sending them photo updates of him.
I don’t have kids or plan to have kids, but makes me so uncomfortable seeing babies/kids online. You hear absolutely horror stories and seeing influencers/youtubers capitalize on sharing their babies life online is too much for me. I agree that everyone should be free to share what they want but I think the social media platforms (YouTube, instagram, etc) should block or have better systems in place to avoid misuse of children's digital presence
Honestly, I would've unsubscribed/unfollowed you if you weren't respecting Rowan's privacy, Hannah. I have done that with a few other youtubers post realising just how terrifying it is for a kid to have every single breathing moment of theirs being posted online. Family vloggers really need to have a conversation with themselves and their kids regarding just how harmful it is to have a camera shoved into their kids faces all the time.
For whatever it's worth, I 1000% respect your decision and even support it. You're making an example of how easy it is to continue posting normal life content, and just plaster an emoji over a child's face- it's that easy to protect them.
One question I had for you though - have you had instances where people have recognised you and have come up to you while you were with rowan? How did you deal with it? Were there any ppl that invaded boundaries?
Thanks for being awesome!
I’m really private online with what I post, but as of the last 3 years, I’ve dropped off social media. My daughter is now 4 and the world is a really scary place. I just rather not share anything online anymore.