My Biggest Insecurities Since Quitting Sex Ed
and how I (try to) manage them
The decision I made at the end of last year to close the chapter on my sex ed content - the Hannah Witton YouTube channel and the Doing It podcast - was a biggie and whilst I have #noregrets, I do have some insecurities about the decision. And to be honest, they are annoying.
I can recognise that these insecurities are this little judgemental voice inside me who believes nothing I do will ever be good enough. We all have this (at least I think we do?) in some way shape or form to varying degrees of intensity. Mine is fairly mild and it is nothing in comparison to the feelings of freedom, relief, calmness, and levity that comes with taking a huge mental, emotional, physical, and financial weight off my shoulders.
Those positive feelings are what I keep coming back to and why I can honestly say I don’t regret the decision at all. But they are also the problem. Well, the positive feelings aren’t the problem, but the way society has conditioned me (and many others) to feel about positive feelings is. Which is to say, I’m not really allowed to feel them, am I?
Here it is: I feel guilty. I feel like I don’t deserve this. What have I done to enjoy this more leisurely approach to work? What does that mean for my relationship with my Patrons who literally finance my work and approach to it? Many of them work longer hours than me and they’re giving me money?!?!! The self-hating gremlin inside me tells me I’m evil for exploiting them like this. Of course, the rational person inside me says they are adults and can make their own financial decisions, and the content I make (outside of sex and relationships) is still valuable, and the discord community is actually one of the most special places on the internet and easily worth £3+ per month to access. But the self-hating gremlin is not rational.
There are two directions I can feel this guilt for my own joy emerging from. The first, due to my politics, is easy to ignore, and the second, due to my politics, is harder to ignore. The first is capitalism, baby! I am no use to the capitalist machine if I’m content and no longer striving. I unbuilt my business. I’m prioritising my health and my family. I am happy! I’m enjoying things! I’m working less! Capitalism doesn’t like that. The part of me that loves being productive feels guilty for all this but I can identify the root of it and easily stick a middle finger up to capitalist garbage.
Now the second more tricky one, comes from the social justice movement, which my sex ed work was very much a part of and my politics is very much aligned with. Self-hating gremlin speaking here: I feel like I’m not a good enough leftist because I “gave up”. I quit the social justice work I was doing for an easier life. Now, if someone else did what I did, I would be cheering them on and congratulating them (and that’s all I’ve received from peers in the space). No one has expressed this to me at all, it’s just me thinking I’m weak and I didn’t have what it takes. Which, in my eyes, is made even worse by my positions of privilege as a middle class, white, cis, straight lady. I have the ability to opt out when it suits me, whereas many others - queer people, trans people, and sex workers - don’t. And I find it harder to ignore or refute this because I believe there is some legitimacy here.
Anyway, no-one needs my white lady guilt, and it’s early days in this life transition for me and so I’m sure I’ll find other ways in my life and work to direct this energy to be Doing Something that is Helping People. There is this element of feeling a loss of purpose and a loss of actually making a meaningful and positive impact on people and the world. But then the self-compassion voice in me says what I’m doing now is valuable for people (publicly and privately), I should be proud of the work I did rather than feeling guilty for not doing it anymore, and there’s enough straight, cis, white women in the sex ed space.
I think a lot of comes down to the fact I’m feeling good and wanting others to feel good too!
🏠 I’m officially moved out of the studio! All my stuff is out, my contract ended yesterday but as it’s a bank holiday weekend I’m handing in my keys tomorrow and then that’s it, I’m a fully work-from-home-gal again. I’m sat here at my kitchen table typing this with my laptop on a stand and my wireless keyboard and mouse and it feels weird but good. A vlog of the whole moving process will be out at the end of this month and fingers crossed I get my deposit back! 🤞🏼 Massive thank you to my Patrons who came to the studio for a farewell meet up and to rummage through my books, stationary and other miscellaneous items to take for themselves! Very helpful and so lovely to meet a bunch of you!
🪡 Embroidery - I got targeted by an ad for Craft Club embroidery and I was literally sold. It was right after my LEGO flowers and I needed to scratch my crafty itch. And I bloody loved it! So satisfying and meditative, and I feel like I actually learned some embroidery skills?! 😅 more importantly though, the creator of Craft Club watches my YouTube videos and saw me post about the kit and now we’re potentially scheming something up together… 👀
Part of my newfound joy and more leisurely approach to work is documented here in my birthday week vlog!
We are currently reading Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown for the Doing It Book Club over on my Patreon and the deadline is 26th May. Please join us to chat all about the book and what you thought of it!
Honestly Hannah, you’ve had such huge life changes over the past few years, I think Helping Yourself first by quitting the sex ed work is also an act of social justice! Plus, you can now build up energy to “do something of purpose” again in the future. I feel like sometimes “social justice” acts are shown side by side with self-sacrifice, when I actually don’t believe self-sacrifice is sustainable or “socially justified” at all. As an audience, as a community, and as a society, we all benefit much more from a happy healthy Hannah!
Not knowing you in person, not at all, I may be wrong here. Still, I believe you actually describe a common human problem, so perhaps I am at least partially right.
I could cheer in and repeat what you already heard from others – and nothing would change. That does not mean it's wrong, but there is more.
The idea of constructivism is that you do not see the world as it is, but build a mental model of all you observe. Your identity is the model you obtain by looking at yourself. All observations and model building is influenced by the already existing model, by the environment and culture you live in and by your nature. Your identity is no exception.
Let me pick some words from your article: Capitalist, social justice movement, leftist, privilege, politics.
That's all culture and ideology around you framing your identity.
Then your capitalisation points out one thing: “Doing Something that is Helping People”.
That's part of your nature.
So you have taken away part of your identity, which breaks the mental model of your identity and you strive to fix that. How could you still be a valid person if you take away what connects the framework to your nature? That's what that gremlin is asking. They say invalid privileged persons without purpose do not deserve anything. In both capitalist and leftist worlds.
So here is the thing: It's a model, because it is biased and simplified. And as such it influences your observations. You notice that feedback cycle on yourself as that gremlin who does not shut up. Is it right? You can't decide. It does not sound like it is, except it feels like it is.
Ideologies deliver universal answers. They are not specific to the situation. They feel right if the answers match the current situation, but that does not make them right. Change the situation and they work against you. There are no universal answers. Whole cultures grow on ideologies when they match the contemporary situation, and die from the same as the world changes.
You are not defined by capitalism, the social justice movement, being a good leftist, your privileges and politics. If you insist you are, eventually you will suffer.
Helping others works best without ideologies. Review your most helpful videos. I bet you did not teach ideology. You tried to explain the world as it is. That's exactly the opposite of ideology. And that is what made you happy about them: Sharing obtained understanding.
Eventually you felt your thirst for understanding is larger and you changed course, exploring the unknown. Revising mental models is hard, and the harder, the older they are. You notice that gap you created. The ideologies that once worked so great to direct you no longer do.
That means you took a step, you have changed. If you are looking for a purpose, then start by "do no harm". Being happy, prioritising your health and your family are great. It improves your life and their life. Continue being mindful how you torture yourself by ideologies. Abandon your expectations how you think you should be. You will be rewarded by each step in that direction.
The elephant in the room is “how”. Modern psychology would speak of fast and slow thinking and suggest to give your slow thinking a chance in a relaxed, calm environment. That's how you can revise mental models and reach the new understanding you thrive for. Buddhism says pretty much the same, suggesting meditation. You want to map the path to go through uncharted territory. Try to describe who you are, not in terms how others, culture, ideologies and demands view you, but in your own terms. No easy task, but worthwhile.