The decision I made at the end of last year to close the chapter on my sex ed content - the Hannah Witton YouTube channel and the Doing It podcast - was a biggie and whilst I have #noregrets, I do have some insecurities about the decision. And to be honest, they are annoying.
I can recognise that these insecurities are this little judgemental voice inside me who believes nothing I do will ever be good enough. We all have this (at least I think we do?) in some way shape or form to varying degrees of intensity. Mine is fairly mild and it is nothing in comparison to the feelings of freedom, relief, calmness, and levity that comes with taking a huge mental, emotional, physical, and financial weight off my shoulders.
Those positive feelings are what I keep coming back to and why I can honestly say I don’t regret the decision at all. But they are also the problem. Well, the positive feelings aren’t the problem, but the way society has conditioned me (and many others) to feel about positive feelings is. Which is to say, I’m not really allowed to feel them, am I?
Here it is: I feel guilty. I feel like I don’t deserve this. What have I done to enjoy this more leisurely approach to work? What does that mean for my relationship with my Patrons who literally finance my work and approach to it? Many of them work longer hours than me and they’re giving me money?!?!! The self-hating gremlin inside me tells me I’m evil for exploiting them like this. Of course, the rational person inside me says they are adults and can make their own financial decisions, and the content I make (outside of sex and relationships) is still valuable, and the discord community is actually one of the most special places on the internet and easily worth £3+ per month to access. But the self-hating gremlin is not rational.
There are two directions I can feel this guilt for my own joy emerging from. The first, due to my politics, is easy to ignore, and the second, due to my politics, is harder to ignore. The first is capitalism, baby! I am no use to the capitalist machine if I’m content and no longer striving. I unbuilt my business. I’m prioritising my health and my family. I am happy! I’m enjoying things! I’m working less! Capitalism doesn’t like that. The part of me that loves being productive feels guilty for all this but I can identify the root of it and easily stick a middle finger up to capitalist garbage.
Now the second more tricky one, comes from the social justice movement, which my sex ed work was very much a part of and my politics is very much aligned with. Self-hating gremlin speaking here: I feel like I’m not a good enough leftist because I “gave up”. I quit the social justice work I was doing for an easier life. Now, if someone else did what I did, I would be cheering them on and congratulating them (and that’s all I’ve received from peers in the space). No one has expressed this to me at all, it’s just me thinking I’m weak and I didn’t have what it takes. Which, in my eyes, is made even worse by my positions of privilege as a middle class, white, cis, straight lady. I have the ability to opt out when it suits me, whereas many others - queer people, trans people, and sex workers - don’t. And I find it harder to ignore or refute this because I believe there is some legitimacy here.
Anyway, no-one needs my white lady guilt, and it’s early days in this life transition for me and so I’m sure I’ll find other ways in my life and work to direct this energy to be Doing Something that is Helping People. There is this element of feeling a loss of purpose and a loss of actually making a meaningful and positive impact on people and the world. But then the self-compassion voice in me says what I’m doing now is valuable for people (publicly and privately), I should be proud of the work I did rather than feeling guilty for not doing it anymore, and there’s enough straight, cis, white women in the sex ed space.
I think a lot of comes down to the fact I’m feeling good and wanting others to feel good too!
🏠 I’m officially moved out of the studio! All my stuff is out, my contract ended yesterday but as it’s a bank holiday weekend I’m handing in my keys tomorrow and then that’s it, I’m a fully work-from-home-gal again. I’m sat here at my kitchen table typing this with my laptop on a stand and my wireless keyboard and mouse and it feels weird but good. A vlog of the whole moving process will be out at the end of this month and fingers crossed I get my deposit back! 🤞🏼 Massive thank you to my Patrons who came to the studio for a farewell meet up and to rummage through my books, stationary and other miscellaneous items to take for themselves! Very helpful and so lovely to meet a bunch of you!
🪡 Embroidery - I got targeted by an ad for Craft Club embroidery and I was literally sold. It was right after my LEGO flowers and I needed to scratch my crafty itch. And I bloody loved it! So satisfying and meditative, and I feel like I actually learned some embroidery skills?! 😅 more importantly though, the creator of Craft Club watches my YouTube videos and saw me post about the kit and now we’re potentially scheming something up together… 👀
Part of my newfound joy and more leisurely approach to work is documented here in my birthday week vlog!
We are currently reading Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown for the Doing It Book Club over on my Patreon and the deadline is 26th May. Please join us to chat all about the book and what you thought of it!
Honestly Hannah, you’ve had such huge life changes over the past few years, I think Helping Yourself first by quitting the sex ed work is also an act of social justice! Plus, you can now build up energy to “do something of purpose” again in the future. I feel like sometimes “social justice” acts are shown side by side with self-sacrifice, when I actually don’t believe self-sacrifice is sustainable or “socially justified” at all. As an audience, as a community, and as a society, we all benefit much more from a happy healthy Hannah!
I absolutely love the recording of your newsletter! It was lovely to listen to your friendly voice.