“Mummy, Why Are You Screaming?”
I almost lost my cool and now I feel terrible.
Parenting is hard blah blah blah, parenting is a joy blah blah blah. I’ve definitely experienced my share of ups and downs but this morning was the first time I think I truly lost it in a rage, stress, frustrated way. I’ve definitely lost it before in a sad, hopeless, exhaustion way but only in front of Dan and never Rowan. This time it was in front of Rowan, and as I heard him from the other room calmly saying, “Mummy, why are you screaming?” after I had to leave the room to release my frustration in a gritted-teeth grunt scream, I had this sinking feeling. I am a terrible mother.
The anger had taken hold and all I wanted to do was scream and swear and I couldn’t bring myself back down. I tried taking deep calm breaths but it just wasn’t cutting it and as much as I know it can be really cathartic to just scream, my toddler doesn’t know that and I was scared what he would think if he saw/heard me. So through gritted teeth it was but of course he still heard me and I was still stressed.
I still don’t think I’ve fully released the stress from this morning. I texted other mum friends, sent a voice note to my husband in which I very loudly screamed “FUCK!” whilst walking down the street but I was holding myself back because, you know, I was in public and there were people around. And look I know, I know, I’m not a terrible mother. In fact most days I think I’m actually a pretty good mum. Like I said, I’ve never lost it quite like that before and I think I’m in shock at my inability to cope (part of me is scared that by writing this social services are going to come and take him away😢).
But what can I do next time it all gets a bit too much?
In Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle (affiliate link), they talk about 7 different ways to release stress from the body:
Physical activity
Breathing
Positive social interaction
Laughter
Affection
Crying
Creative expression
I’m not sure where screaming fits into this (maybe physical activity, crying, and creative expression?😅) But I did do the breathing thing, I then did the childcare run (walk) so that’s physical activity, texting my mum friends definitely led to some positive digital social interactions, I almost cried but not quite (I had to stop myself and by the time I was alone the moment passed), and Rowan and I had some lovely hugs after (affection🥰).
I’m curious what your specific strategies are if you’re in a situation where you have to wait to release the stress in the way you want to? What has been helpful for you in the moment just to get you through until you can scream and shout and let it all loose a bit later?
💼 I’m doing a business course! - January has been a bit of a wobbly career month for me not really knowing what my direction or focus is and also not feeling like I have some key business skills and knowledge to figure out what it is I want to do with my consulting/coaching freelance work. So I’m very excited to be doing a course from someone who actually knows their shit in the business world but also happens to be a mum, and understands from first hand experience having to take a step back due to unpredictable health. Sometimes the leaders we pick to listen to, help to guide us, and spend money on are not just the ones with impressive CVs but ones with personal experiences that you can relate to. I know that for me it’s important. I struggle to take advice from some business leaders because whenever I listen to them I’m constantly thinking, “but what if you get sick?”, “who’s looking after the kids in this scenario?” It just makes me not trust anything they say as it’ll never apply to me. All that being said, I’m very excited to get stuck in and learn something new and hopefully gain some clarity on wtf it is I’m doing!
🏢🕵🏼♂️🎙️ Only Murders in the Building Season 4 - I’ve finally caught up on this latest season and loved it just as much as the others. Without giving spoilers this season also got me more emotional than previous ones, perhaps because we know and love the victim rather than them being a random character we don’t know very well. I was worried that was going to be the final season and I have never been more happy to learn THERE’S BEEN ANOTHER MURDER IN THE BUILDING. Bring on season 5!
The outpouring of folks all feeling the same about their friendships and community in the comments of Finding My Village Even if it Kills Me have been incredible. There is clearly such a desire for it, we just have to go out there and try to create it!
Don’t forget I do a livestream every month over on my Patreon! Come join us for a chill hour of chats, behind the scenes goss, and updates, and the chance to ask me any of your questions!
Depending on the situation I do something I call mummy monster, I pretend I'm changing into t-rex or something and I get to scream (maybe not as much as I need) and she thinks there is a fun game happening which has also helped deescalate the situation/tantrum
I learned a trick of "voiceless screaming" once. I was on an event with a lot of people, so I locked myself in the bathroom, and made the facial expressions of screaming my lungs out, without actually making the noise. It was suprisingly effective - I felt my muscles tense and relax between the screams, and in few minutes I felt much, much better.