Almost One Year of Trying for Baby Number 2
It doesn’t get any easier
When I was thinking about what I wanted to write about for this month’s newsletter, I had to be honest with myself that there’s really only one thing looming in my mind at the moment, and it’s the fact I’m still not pregnant. I’m not sure I have anything even productive to say about it, this is probably going to read like a self-indulgent old school blog of something I just need to get off my chest.
The thing about fertility is that it is random and mostly down to luck. And when it’s something you want so badly, it’s really hard accepting that what will be is mostly out of your hands. And what’s harder, is seeing many people around you having a much easier time of it. It unleashes this part shadow self, part inner child version of you who is kicking and screaming “IT’S NOT FAIR!” And they are right, because often life isn’t fair. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. And in the grand scheme of things, we only really have a very limited circle of control - our own actions and our own thoughts (and sometimes we can’t even control our thoughts!)
My feelings around trying for baby number two regularly oscillate depending on where I’m at in my cycle, which friends have or haven’t announced baby 2 pregnancies or births (the first baby pregnancies announcements don’t get to me as much). At my worst I just break down crying and screaming into the void, want to throw all my money at private fertility treatment, go on a mad health kick diet and read all the books. Realistically I know that doing many of those things will just stress me out and not make me happy in the long term. At my best, I’m focusing on enjoying the present - Rowan at this age, my work less busy than it has been in years, my relationship with Dan without another newborn in the picture, being able to play tennis, my health etc etc. Gratitude helped me a lot through the year we were trying to get pregnant with Rowan and it’s working to an extent but it definitely feels harder this time around.
One thing that has genuinely helped though has been hearing positive stories from parents with larger age gaps between their children. Not the 2 years me and my sister have that I always imagined for my own children but 4+ years difference. Those stories and glimpses into what that kind of life and family would be like I do find very helpful and they ease off the pressure a bit for me. We know we can get pregnant, even with my ridiculously long PCOS cycles and so maybe we’ve just got to wait it out and play the long game (the elephant in the room being my rectal stump and the fact I’m going to need surgery again in the future and need to “complete my family” before that happens so I am feeling a bit more rushed and impatient because of that looming over me).
Most children are conceived around this time of year (people getting frisky over the holidays) so I’m hoping the statistics rub off on us. If you’re also going through some fertility stuff whatever that may be I’m sending you all my love and thoughts. If you’re one of the lucky ones, please look out for your friends who may be going through it. There is a kind way to do it. A friend recently told me about her second pregnancy and caveated the message that there was no pressure for me to respond which I appreciated. We texted back and forth a bit about her pregnancy and then I said that I needed to take a step back from the pregnancy chat and we talked about something else. The messes of trying to conceive are often kept under the radar but I’m very glad I’ve been able to be open with friends as it does lead to better and less painful interactions.
Merry Christmas/Happy Chanukah/Happy New Year I guess!
Normal videos this month and then Vlognukah/Chanukah starts on CHRISTMAS DAY!
Thanks for reading this brain dump xx
📚 BOOK CLUBS GALORE!
✨tonight!✨ It’s our group discussion for our last Patreon Book Club of the year (Monday 2nd Dec 8pm GMT). We’re discussing The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel (affiliate link) - you can come whether you’ve read the book or not! The discussion will take place in my Patreon discord server and is available for ALL Patreon tiers!
✨wednesday✨ I am co-hosting My Body My Book Club this month! We’re reading The Lost Daughter by Elena Ferrante (affiliate link). At the time of writing this I’ve just started reading it and very intrigued about where this book is going to go…! Anyone can come watch/join - it’ll be taking place on Zoom on Wednesday 4th December at 6:30pm GMT. Tickets limited, there’s a suggested donation and proceeds go to the charity Pregnant Then Screwed. I also will hopefully find time to watch the film adaptation with Olivia Coleman after I finish the book!
💚🩷 Wicked Part 1 🩷💚 - I don’t think it’s possible for me to talk about anything else. I was completely blown away by this film.
I’m a big lover of the musical and this is just such a great adaptation (of just the first act!). I could gush and gush forever and I’ll save you with just a quick list of some of my favourite things:
Ariana Grande’s physical comedy
The tears down Elphaba’s cheeks in Dancing Through Life in that moment sent me into a ball of sobs
How they changed the Fiyero introduction - sets up the love triangle much better!
The close up camera shot on Elphaba’s face when you hear the announcement being broadcast to all of Oz of her wickedness - just such a fucking powerful moment
The first “One Short Day” gave me goosebumps and no spoilers but something else happens in that song that made me SQUEAL
The sets, the choreography, the outfits, the cinematography just all absolutely spectacular
Now I’m desperately trying to figure out how, amongst parenting and vlognukah duties, I can go see it again!
Sian was back on the channel for another wearing vs styling video! We each styled the same items from my wardrobe into different outfits and it was really interesting to see our different approaches and definitely learned a few tips and tricks from Sian!
If you'd like to support my work, get monthly recommendations lists of articles, videos and podcasts I've consumed, and a monthly round up of my mini-reviews of any books, films, tv shows I’ve read/seen then check out The Common Room over on Patreon!
Hi Hannah! I just wanted to be another positive sibling gap story for you :) My brother and I are five years apart, and we’ve always been close. When we were kids, we would go from playing together to bickering and fighting like siblings who were closer in age. Now that we’re older, we have a really positive relationship *because of the age gap*! We stopped fighting early on because I matured faster, and I’ve been able to be a positive adult figure in his teenage life (who can counteract some of the negative conservative messaging from my parents). I can buy him tickets to things my parents never would (concerts, plays, etc) and spoil him with gifts on holidays. He’s in college now across the country, and we still talk 2-3 times a week!
Hi Hannah, also just jumping in to share a positive age gap story! My brother is 4 years younger than me and I never wished for a smaller gap. I remember him being born which is pretty cool! We didn't fight much and actually were super close and had so much fun together when we were little. Even now we're still close and the age gap feels like nothing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your family ❤️